chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
