Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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