Ambien. No doubt about it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
