I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
