This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
