fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza