I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.