She went from zero to smokin in five shots
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".