I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
