Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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