I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
