2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
