So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
