What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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