Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
