I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
