You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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