Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
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So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
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Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina