i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
