dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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