My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If that was your dad, he is hot
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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