Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
