Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
