I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
