did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I cut my penus on the lid.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
