Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
