I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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