I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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