What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
smell my finger.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
