You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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