i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
