getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
