it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
