I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
