ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
