I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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