Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
