My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
