I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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