I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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