yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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