I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
