All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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