i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
