Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
