On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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