I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I lost the right to judge tonight
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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