Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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