i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
