my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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