doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
