I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
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You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.