My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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