Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
