what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Small penises have feelings too.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
