Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
