new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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