Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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