don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
