PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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