Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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